Episode 90 | Own Your Awesome: Combat Negative Self-talk with Cynthia Barnes

In this inspiring episode of Uncopyable Women in Business, I'm thrilled to interview the dynamic Cynthia Barnes, speaker, author, influencer and the first black woman to keynote a national sales conference. Learn to use tools such as the "pattern interrupt" to combat negative self talk, as well as specific phrases she shares to Own Your Awesome.  Cynthia and I dive into the challenges women encounter in business and shares practical strategies for recognizing and leveraging personal strengths, overcoming self-doubt, and promoting yourself with confidence. Our conversation is an empowering reminder for women to own their strengths and approach the business world with resilience and confidence.

About Cynthia:

Cynthia Barnes is a powerhouse in the sales industry, recognized as a LinkedIn Top Voice, 4X Salesforce Top Sales Influencer, and a 3x author. As the first Black woman to keynote a national sales conference, she has broken barriers and set new standards for excellence. Cynthia is also a dynamic TEDx speaker, passionately advocating for women and girls to own their accomplishments with confidence. Her mission is to ignite a global movement where compliments become a catalyst for unshakable self-belief, empowering women to embrace their true potential and inspire future generations.

Reach Cynthia:

linkedin.com/in/cynthiabarnes
cynthia-barnes.com
youtube.com/@cynthia-barnes

Personal Resources:
TEDx - Four words to take a compliment | Cynthia Barnes
The Cynthia Barnes Newsletter
Books 

Kay Miller interviews women in sales with proven track records, as they share their experiences, success strategies and tools you can use to crush your sales goals. Kay has a history of sales success, earning the nickname “Muffler Mama” when she sold more automotive mufflers than anyone in the world. Kay and her guests deliver actionable insights and real-world tools that will help you overcome obstacles, adopt a winning mindset, and maximize your sales results.

Kay is the author of the book, Uncopyable Sales Secrets – How to Create an Unfair Advantage and Outsell the Competition. Go to Amazon.com and search “Uncopyable Sales Secrets” to order the book, or click the link below.

Contact:
kay@uncopyablesales.com
linkedin.com/in/millerkay
Order Uncopyable Sales Secrets: amzn.to/35dGlYZ

Transcript

Speaker 1 00:00:00 Welcome to unconquerable women in business. I'm your host, Kay Miller, also known as Muffler Mama. Now, I don't know if you're an entrepreneur, business owner, sales professional, or part of an organization, but I do know that you want to be more successful, earn more money, and make a bigger impact. Stay tuned as I, along with my guests, give you marketing, sales, and personal branding strategies that will give you an unstoppable advantage. Get ready to own your awesome. I'm here with Cynthia Barnes, a keynote speaker, author, and influencer. She's a sales powerhouse who helps women build unshakable confidence to silence self-doubt and crush their sales goals. Cynthia, welcome to the podcast. Thank you so much. I'm thrilled to be here. I'm very excited to have you. From what I've learned about you, your message is will be right on target because like you, my audience is women and we have problems with confidence and with owning our awesome. So why do you think that's true? I think it's. Speaker 2 00:01:18 Because we don't understand our superpowers. We don't leverage our superpowers. If we knew how freakin powerful we were, are, then we would tap into them. We would leverage them, and we would take over the world. But that is a subject for another podcast. Speaker 1 00:01:38 Okay, we already talked about taking control of Indiana. Okay. I just have to throw that in. We just talked about I just got back from Indiana a year from Indiana, went to Purdue. And you right away nailed it with a pork tenderloin sandwich Riley. Breaded. Speaker 2 00:01:56 Breaded and Fred. Speaker 1 00:01:59 And hopefully we'll get to your tipping cows story. But right now I think we should move on because how do we find that? Awesome. I'll just leave it to you. What are the strategies to finding and leveraging what makes each of us awesome? Speaker 2 00:02:17 There are a number of traits that women, especially women, who sell in. All of us do. We have innate strengths. Number one, sales is nothing more than influencing decision makers to say yes. Speaker 2 00:02:33 So whether you are trying to convince your eight year old to finish green vegetables on their plate, or a CEO of a major corporation to do business with you, it's still influencing a decision maker to say yes. Number two, we have. Speaker 1 00:02:51 Extremely. Speaker 2 00:02:52 High levels of emotional intelligence, so we should really leverage that to our benefit. And I'm not talking about manipulation. What I'm talking about is learning how to use a strength and amplify it to help all parties involved come to a mutually beneficial decision. That's what I'm talking about. So in addition to leveraging emotional intelligence, I also want women to learn how to maximize their ability to read nonverbal cues. Women have always been told that we read into things. We can be told the sky is blue. And for most people they say, okay, women will say, do you mean cornflower blue? Honolulu blue, Navy blue, pale blue. Speaker 1 00:03:51 Aquamarine. In some. Speaker 2 00:03:53 Circles. That's seen as a negative. For us, the that's a really positive trait because that reading into things over a zoom call or in person, when we see that our prospect is hedging or displays a flash of concern over their face, we read that and we know that something's not quite right. Speaker 2 00:04:21 So being able to read those nonverbal cues and listen, we pick up on that and we let it guide our conversation rather than just forging ahead in the sales process. So that's another instance of how women sell better. Speaker 1 00:04:41 I like that we go ahead. Speaker 2 00:04:43 The superpowers. We've got to tap into those. I could go on and on about how women sell better, the empirical data behind it. But that's what I talk about in and want women to tap into. When I talk about confidence and the last trait is we need to learn how to turn compliments and transform everyday individual compliments into unshakable confidence. How women will get a compliment and will say, oh, these things, these earrings. I got them on clearance at target. They're really nothing or guilty anywhere. Speaker 1 00:05:23 This little thing, it's. Speaker 2 00:05:24 Nothing, it's nothing. And that may seem minuscule, but when it comes to the workforce and we receive a compliment from a leader and we downplay it or ditch it, that leader now says, well, subconsciously, if she can't even take a compliment, she may not be ready for that promotion, or she may not be ready to lead that committee. Speaker 2 00:05:47 We shoot ourselves in the foot because we downplay and we ditch compliments. So what I want women to do is to take those compliments. I want them to learn how to accept them by saying thank you. And then I want them to take it a step further by owning it, by following it up with it's true. The women in Uganda, East Africa accept and own compliments by responding to them with thank you. It's true. They accept the compliment and they own it. So when women owned, they're awesome by accepting and owning compliments with thank you. It's true. It's like rocket fuel for your confidence. So that's what I want women to do. Own your awesome. By accepting compliments and owning them with. Thank you. It's true. Speaker 1 00:06:39 That phrase right there. If you listening, get nothing else out of this. Thank you. It's true. That is helping you internalize Realize that is, we just wrote a book about personal branding, and a lot of your brand or everything about your brand is how people see you. Speaker 1 00:06:59 And so if you find out that someone is giving you a compliment, first of all, you say, wow, that is how I'm coming across. That's a big win. But to say thank you, because we do appreciate that compliment and to say we'll go one step further and say it's true, I have a confidence file. And so when I get a compliment, I don't always do this, but I do my best when someone says, well, you're a great storyteller. I put that in my confidence file because I think as women, we yeah, we deny that we not only just let it go by, but we say, oh, it's implying it's not true. I like what you said too, about sales apply to everything, whether you're trying to get your kid to eat green beans, or you're selling a vision or an idea, you want to convince your husband that you want to go to a particular restaurant. So having that, you know, that insight on sales is great. And the more confidence you have, the more persuasive you are. Speaker 1 00:08:05 So besides your powerful phrase, what other ways do you have for women to internalize to take that in and to make our mark? Speaker 2 00:08:18 That would be the number one way, because that is a lot to get women to respond to compliments with. Thank you. It's true. It seems like such a small phrase. After all, it's only four words. But you'd be amazed how many women say, oh Cynthia, that sounds really good. Then put it into practice. It takes work. Mark my words though, once you put it into practice. You won't want to stop because it feels good. And then when you see the smile on the other person's face because when they get their compliment accepted, it makes them feel good. Because imagine if someone pays you a compliment and you downplay it, or you ditch it, you're essentially slapping down their compliment, which makes them feel badly. Like all I paid you a compliment. You just ditched it. Maybe I wasn't wise to pay you that compliment. Maybe your earrings don't look as good as I thought they did. Speaker 2 00:09:21 Never thought about that, The four word phrase. Thank you. It's true, is a powerhouse. I also want women to learn how to self-promote and get over the feeling that it is braggadocious. Speaker 1 00:09:38 No one. I read that in one of your newsletters and I thought that is so powerful. It is often easier to promote your product, your service, or someone else, then promote yourself. Especially as a woman. I've had that problem myself. So talk to me. Speaker 2 00:09:58 We seem to think that our great work will get us to that next promotion. The C-suite. Whatever. Nothing could be further from the truth. No one is going to come and tap you on the shoulder and say, I see the hard work you've been putting in. Would you like to follow me to the boardroom? If you wait for that to happen, you'll be waiting for a long time. And I've got some swamp land in Columbus, Indiana to sell you. Speaker 1 00:10:32 With some pork tenderloins. Speaker 2 00:10:35 Breaded and fried. Let's not forget the art of self-promotion Is necessary if you want to ascend the corporate ladder, or any ladder for that matter. Speaker 2 00:10:51 It can be done without being offensive, being braggadocious. But I need you. If you're listening to this, I need you to get over the idea that self-promotion is a bad thing. There is a way for you to say thank you. It's true. I did a great job leading the team on that project. We did a great job doing that. There's nothing wrong with taking the compliment that they gave you, including your team as well. You self promoted, you accepted the compliment, you owned it, and you shared the credit with your team. This is an and type of conversation. It doesn't have to be or. So why not make it an. And why not put some kudos on LinkedIn once or twice a week about how you help your customer accomplish something they've been trying to do for years? I'm so happy and grateful I was able to help my customer do this and this. I'm grateful for the company that I work for because we were able to help my customer do this. I'm so grateful for my team because we were able to accomplish this and this. Speaker 2 00:12:15 See, it's all in the messaging, right? Self-promote. What's that? Speaker 1 00:12:22 It's just. Yeah, it's a slant on the typical thinking, and I. You know what? I talk a lot about how I see sales as helping because sales has such a negative connotation. But when you talk about helping your team or helping other people. I know that's really important to you. From what I've read and how I've watched you, you're right. That gives you the opportunity to promote yourself because, oh, if I help these people, maybe I can help you too. I also, again, going back to that phrase and all of what you've talked about, what we say to ourselves matters. That's so true. That voice in our head, if we can't control it, it really will take us down. And interestingly enough, I'm sure you've run into this to even the most successful women admit that they have self-doubt. Imposter syndrome is something we've all heard about, and it's that nagging thing that I think again, is even harder for women. Speaker 1 00:13:29 I want to talk a little bit about what you've accomplished, because what you're talking about works, and I will promote you and you can say thank you. It's true. Because you have a woman owned business. You were the first black woman to keynote a national sales conference. You're a LinkedIn top voice, a TEDx speaker. The list goes on. You have many accomplishments, and you faced not only being a woman, but being a woman of color. So you had have had all kinds of obstacles and challenges, I'm sure. Do you have any particular ones that you can share with us that will inspire us as the listener? This podcast is sponsored by my latest book, which I co-authored with my husband, Steve. It's part of the UN Copyable series and this one is called UN Copyable. You create a personal brand that gets people to know you, like you, trust you, and remember you. Order it now on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, or your favorite independent bookstore. Speaker 2 00:14:41 I think being a black woman in America in 2024. Speaker 2 00:14:54 Is one of the most challenging roles ever. Speaker 1 00:15:03 And you're like, me, I won't we won't give anything away. But we're not spring chickens. Exactly. We might be summer chickens, right? So you have reference points to how things have been in the past. So I'm curious why you say now is more challenging than ever. Speaker 2 00:15:20 Because ageism is real. So I don't care how old you are. I don't care what gender you are. I don't care what race you are. I don't care what religion you are. There will always be someone who is. Speaker 1 00:15:37 Going to judge you. Speaker 2 00:15:38 Based upon fill in the blank. It just so happens that. The majority of people in the industry I work do not look like me. I work in an industry where the majority of people are of the opposite gender, of a race that is not mine, and of a demographic and age demographic to which I don't belong. Those three challenges right there cause. Challenges. Let's just say that. Yeah. Speaker 1 00:16:24 Oh, yeah. Speaker 1 00:16:24 Exactly. Resistance. Challenges. Impressions. And of course, we could go all the way to judgments because we make those often, whether we mean to or not. So you're facing that. Whenever you meet someone, I'm sure. And of course, I'm not a woman of color, but I'm a woman of a certain age. And it seems like it was just yesterday that I was the youngest person on the sales team. And. Right. You said there's ageism too. What the heck do you know? Right, exactly. And now here I am on the other end. And of course, I think where did the time go? But there are definite advantages to both. And I know, like you, I love to mentor young women because it's we need diversity. I don't want to be just with people who are like me. I do seek out there's such a gift in being exposed to different types of people. All of those things are true. But you have made it in. You've become, like you said, a TEDx speaker. Speaker 1 00:17:30 First black woman to keynote and national sales conference. Those are big deals, so I'm sure you are feeding yourself messages on your own. You are accepting the compliments of others and how they are perceiving you as a brand. What else do you do intentionally to combat that? Speaker 2 00:17:53 First, you have to realize that with success comes criticism. The more success you achieve, the higher the bar, the higher the expectations of others. So you have to stay grounded in your values, and you have to respect your wants and your needs. If not, you will fall prey to the wants and needs of others. So staying grounded and staying centered and who I am and making sure that the decisions I make are in alignment with my values, my wants and my needs is very important. Speaker 1 00:18:42 And that's good. That's a great place to start. And I mentioned my book. I'm going to promote it. Shameless self-promotion. We wrote a great book, my husband and I, about personal branding. And the thing that we talk about that's so important is to intentionally create your brand instead of having it happen accidentally. Speaker 1 00:19:05 And it does. It all starts with what's important to you, because you want everything else that you do to be congruent with that, right? Otherwise what the heck? And it's sometimes easy to be pulled off course if you're not really grounded and clear in, you know, what you just talked about your mission, your priorities, your purpose, what you're here on earth to do. So I love that as a starting point. So I'll let you what do you have next on that topic as far as you start with being grounded, how else do you face those challenges as somebody different? Speaker 2 00:19:49 You also have to realize that different is not wrong. There are going to be times when you're selling, when you have a different opinion, and there are going to be people who say you're selling wrong just because you're selling differently. As long as it's. Speaker 1 00:20:03 Legal, moral. Speaker 2 00:20:03 And ethical difference is not wrong. So I think different is good. They always say in business that you never want to be better. You always want to be different because different is better than being better. Speaker 2 00:20:19 So I strive to be different. I strive to use what people refer to as your unique value proposition. I like to refer to it as the unlikely value proposition, and what makes me unique are those things that are unlikely. My strengths, those unlikely strengths, are what make me unique. I amplify those. Speaker 1 00:20:47 And yeah, my career started in a male dominated industry. And you're right, being different, it can be an asset. And back then, I was one of the few women who worked in that industry. So even though it was a detriment in some ways or it made it harder, it also gave me an advantage. And for you, wanting to stand out and to be unconquerable, as we call that, it starts with being unique. People don't choose you because you're the same as everyone else. Also, to your point, there are so many different ways to sell, and that's a challenge when you try to have a sales trading and train a whole bunch of people. Everyone has to really be themselves and be authentic and true to themselves to stand out and connect with the customer. Speaker 1 00:21:40 So I really like that point. Yes. One thing I wanted to talk to you about is that you mentioned there was a pivotal moment that owning a compliment that you received really changed your trajectory. What was that compliment and how did that happen? Speaker 2 00:22:01 There are times when we don't even know that we have a strength, until someone points it out and we take our strengths for granted. And there was an opportunity before me to deflect a compliment because there was something that I took for granted, and it happened to be the way that I speak. And for years I've always spoken the king's English, if you will. There's I was raised in a very just say. My father is ex-military from Canada, and they knew that there would be times when I would be judged based upon the gender I was assigned at birth and the color of my skin, so they knew that I would have to do things twice as good as some people to get half as recognized. There would be some people who would judge me based upon things that I had no control over, so I would have to show up and do better than others. Speaker 2 00:23:07 So they prepared me based upon the lens through which they grew up, based upon their experiences. So being Articulate, if you will, was not an option to call someone who looks like me articulate is quite offensive. Speaker 1 00:23:32 Because you're implying that's a surprise. Speaker 2 00:23:35 Yes. I mean, yes is if I'm not supposed to be God, if I'm not supposed to be. So in this one particular instance, I was told that I was articulate, and I immediately got offended because I thought, what am I supposed to sound like? But I didn't get offended. I said, thank you, and this was before I knew about thank you. It's true. And I went back to my home and I thought about what makes me the unlikely value Because if people don't expect me to be articulate, what else don't they expect from me? Speaker 1 00:24:26 That's an interesting take because it was a compliment. And of course, like you said, it's it. Thank you. It's true. Definitely applies. But there's something else. When someone gives you a compliment like that is you're saying it almost. Speaker 1 00:24:45 It's a loaded compliment. It's implying more than the someone telling me, okay, you're a great storyteller. I love that about you. So that's a compliment I own. But as you said, if somebody says you're articulate, did they not expect you to be? Speaker 2 00:25:02 And they meant no harm? And I don't think they understood the racial undertones in it. So I hold no grievance against them. It's just the way society has positioned everyone. But I took that and I said, if that is a stereotype. What other stereotypes are there that I can shatter? And I made a list and I began to shatter them. And I became aware of stereotypes that I could blaze my trail through. And I said, if there are very few female black sales leaders and influencers, then why not me? And I said, let me see how far I can take this. And I did. I was on a mission to become the first. And I said, it's a shame that in 2022, I'm the first black female speaker of a national sales conference. Speaker 2 00:26:16 But somebody's got to do it, so why not me? Speaker 1 00:26:21 I like that. Why not me? And as I said, there are women who are very successful and still have self-doubts. You are very confident. And yet I'm sure it's still an ongoing process for you, like everyone. Oh, but to take what? How others perceive you and really turn it into an advantage. And again, it makes you not only unique, but un copyable because you are doing something that others aren't. And you're blazing a trail. And if you're listening, whether you're a woman of color, whether you're a woman, whether you're a man listening, I know there are men listening to this too. We need to embrace, our authenticity and build on our strengths, as you said. Speaker 2 00:27:07 Yes. And I'm a woman of color. I'm a black woman. Speaker 1 00:27:10 I'm okay. I'm glad you clarified that, because I want to be sensitive and respectful and I. I used the wrong phrase. So thank you for pointing that out. Speaker 2 00:27:24 You are welcome. Speaker 1 00:27:25 I appreciate that. I would like to ask you, in closing, what advice would you give to women besides all the great advice you've already given us? What about us? Those of us that want to break free from our own self-limiting behaviors? Speaker 2 00:27:46 This is such an excellent question. This is such an excellent question. I am so glad you asked it. So the inner critic will sit on your shoulder and she will yap all day long, incessantly remember and remember. Speaker 3 00:28:01 No no no no no. Speaker 2 00:28:02 At least maybe that's just in my house. Speaker 1 00:28:05 Everybody's house. Speaker 2 00:28:08 So you know how in sales we have to do what's called a pattern interrupt. Speaker 1 00:28:12 Right. Speaker 2 00:28:13 Same thing with the yapping inner critic. So the first thing you have to do is the pattern interrupt. And so for me, when she's saying things like, oh, you can't do that, or who are you to think that you can do fill in the blank? I have to stop her, or else I will go down the rabbit hole with her. Speaker 2 00:28:33 So I say cancel, cancel, cancel. I say it out loud and then I say to myself, is what she's saying true? Because sometimes that inner critic is a warning and that is what it like the back of your neck, the hairs in the back of your neck, that parasympathetic nervous system or whatever they call it, it's a warning system. Don't go down that alley or danger. Speaker 1 00:29:04 So sometimes. Speaker 2 00:29:05 It's true. But I want to know, Is it true that x, y, z is about to happen or I'm not really a good presenter? Whatever. I want to evaluate the statement. If it's not true, then I just regard it. But that's easier said than done. Speaker 1 00:29:26 And your simple phrase cancel. Again, it's memorable. It's simple, it's quick, and it's a pattern interrupt. Yes. I like your point that sometimes that little voice in our head helps us. Yeah. But a lot of times it doesn't. So to evaluate that and to accept or reject it on a conscious level. Speaker 2 00:29:52 And then you want to ask okay. So let's say the voice says you know what. You really didn't do your best on that presentation okay. Maybe I didn't. So it is true. Next question. Is it helpful because sometimes that inner critic is giving us something that is helpful? Now, if they would, if the inner critic says, you know what? You look awful in those pants. That's a different story. Speaker 1 00:30:26 We're going to cancel that one. Speaker 2 00:30:28 Exactly right. But we have to evaluate it through a lens of objectivity rather than a lens of criticism. If it was true that I didn't show up as my best self during that presentation, then I can go back and say, all right, how could I have done better? But if that inner critic is merely just jaw jacking to say you looked fat or you did this or you did that, if it's not true and it's not helpful, Then we've got it. We've got to chuck it. But by saying cancel, cancel, you put yourself in a mind space to be able to objectively say, is it true? Is it helpful? And then you get to decide, what am I going to do with it without pausing to do the pattern interrupt? We fall prey to whatever it is that the inner critic is saying. Speaker 2 00:31:34 We get to choose how we respond. So let's respond better. Speaker 1 00:31:41 So everything in life is a choice, and you are helping us consciously make that choice, and not just as we talked about. Go along with what the narrative is. We. We evaluate and then we respond. And I think that's a great place to end. I could talk to you all day and I know that I've learned a ton. I'm inspired. I know the listeners will too. I want to point out that you are on LinkedIn and people are welcome to connect with you there. I will put the link in the show notes, but remind me, is it just Cynthia Barnes? Speaker 2 00:32:23 Cynthia Barnes? Yeah. Speaker 1 00:32:24 Lucky you. You got your own name. Cynthia has a newsletter that you can subscribe to, either on our website or on LinkedIn, and it is excellent if you want to take a deeper dive into this content. If you want more of this content, you will benefit. Cynthia, I just want to say a big thank you for being on the show, and thank you for delivering this inspiration and really fantastic information. Speaker 1 00:32:54 Thank you so much for having me. Speaker 2 00:32:56 This has been a joy. You are an excellent conversationalist and I couldn't be happier. This has been the highlight of my week, so thank you so much. Speaker 1 00:33:06 I'm going to say thank you. It's true. Speaker 2 00:33:11 Love. Speaker 1 00:33:12 So until next time. Thank you so much Cynthia. Thanks for listening to this episode of. Speaker 4 00:33:22 Unstoppable Women in Business. If you enjoyed the show, you know the drill. Please like, share, rate and review it on your favorite platform. I also invite you to join my private Facebook group, Unstoppable Women in Business. See you next time and always remember to be unstoppable.