Episode 193 | The Mentor Who Mattered: Make a Difference, Be the Difference with Colleen Stanley

In this conversation, Colleen shares how informal mentor moments shaped her early career, why mentorship doesn’t require a title or program, and how asking—and offering—help can create lasting impact. She explains the role emotional intelligence plays in both sales and mentorship, how empathy must be paired with assertiveness, and why looking up from our devices matters more than ever. Colleen also discusses raising your hand to mentor, navigating self-doubt, and the importance of showing up generously in business and life.

Listeners will learn how to recognize mentor opportunities, build meaningful connections, and contribute in ways that matter—no matter where they are in their career.

About Colleen Stanley:

Colleen Stanley is the president and founder of Sales Leadership Inc. and one of the most respected voices in sales development and emotional intelligence. Named the number one Sales Global Guru for 2024—and recognized by Salesforce as a top sales influencer of the 21st century—she has appeared on the Top 30 Global Sales Gurus list for eight consecutive years. Colleen is the author of the widely translated books Emotional Intelligence for Sales Success and Emotional Intelligence for Sales Leadership. Her newest book, Be the Mentor Who Mattered, co-authored with Leanne Teman, highlights how meaningful mentorship often happens in a single moment, conversation, or act of encouragement, drawing on stories from their own experiences and 25 contributors.

Her clients include organizations such as Harvard Business Review Poland, IBM, Otterbox, Gallagher, PCL Construction, and Bosch Rexroth. When she isn’t teaching or speaking, Colleen enjoys hiking the Colorado outdoors with her husband.

Reach Colleen:

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Website

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Transcript

My guest today is Colleen Stanley, president and founder of Sales Leadership Inc.

Colleen was recently named the number one Sales Global Guru for 2024. What an honor. As a longtime mentor and mentee. She co-wrote the brand new book. Be the mentor who mattered, where Colleen and co-author Leanne Teman share their own experience combined with the stories, experience, and wisdom from 25 others from all walks of life.

Today we're talking about how you can use the power of mentorship to make an impact on others while growing opportunities in your own business and life. Colleen, welcome to the podcast. 

Kay. Thank you for having me. So nice to be your guest. Well, 

I I really appreciate it. Before we started recording, my husband, Steve Miller, who's a long time NSA member, uh, did all kinds of stuff with, with them teaching, being on the board, different things.

So it's cool that you guys have so many mo, you know, connections in common. That was really, yeah, that was a 

fun conversation. 

And you also, and then Kate 

kicked him out. 

No, I did. I kicked him out. This is my show. So, but this show in particular is about you, Colleen, and I am going to hold up your book. Oh, thank you.

And if you're not watching, it's a cool co cover with the tree, the mentor who mattered and it's got beliefs, support, encourage advice, make a difference, be the difference. So I love this book. Uh, I love your, uh, information, wisdom, all that experience. And also, uh, Leanne's too. But you've got some fascinating stories from pretty impressive people too.

Mm-hmm. 

So I want you just to talk about a little bit about your background. You started in sales and then where this passion project, as you said, came from. 

Yeah, so I had the good Fortune K of starting over 30 years ago with a small company, uh, that today is the largest in the world in their industry, and it runs under the, uh, umbrella of varsity brands.

And I was with Varsity Spirit Corporation, so I was actually a member of their very first sales team. And so, as you know, if you've ever worked with a smart startup or a small company, which I know you have, you know, you're, you're, you're given great opportunities and now you're not given a lot of training and coaching, so you know, you're just running really fast.

However, when I look back in my life, while, while we didn't have formal training and coaching or even mentoring, I received a lot of mentoring. I had some terrific mentors while I was with that company for 10 years. So I, I think this project had been percolating for a long time to let people know, because Varsity today is over 3 billion in revenue, and I believe part of the reason is this.

Culture they established of helping and peer mentorship, uh, bosses being kind and helpful and thoughtful. So it's been percolating for a while. 

That culture is so powerful. I've talked to a lot of people about the leaders who wanna create other leaders versus followers and, you know, who make you feel good versus making you feel under pressure bad.

So that's really important. Very impressive that they, that they did that. Um, as I mentioned in my early career, women were not kind to me. So, uh, then I actually though found a woman who really was a strong, strong mentor, helped me advance in my career. Oh, wonderful. And it made such a deal a, a difference.

It made such a difference. So how do you create those relationships if you're listening and you want to make this impact and be impacted by mentorship? 

You know, our goal with this book because as I looked over my life of mentors and I've got stories from when I was in grade school, uh, all the way up to current, and my goal was really to show that you don't have to have a formal mentorship program.

Now, those are wonderful. However, if you take a look. In corporate America, there's a lot of small to mid-size companies. And so they might look at mentorship as like, oh, it's one more thing on our to-do list. We don't have the time or the expertise. So our encouragement is to say, you know, mentorship can happen in a moment.

It can happen in a conversation. You know, be looking up, looking around, who can you offer encouragement, support. And so that was the goal of the book, that everybody's got something to contribute. And, and the second thing I would say, Kay, is that I think there's a myth out there that you can only be a mentor if you've achieved greatness in life.

You've got a big title, you've got big offices, big money. And with some of the stories we share is you'll find mentorships show up in all shapes and forms. And if they are a person of prestige, great, but you don't need a title to contribute. 

That's a good point. So many of us, including super successful women on the show, have imposter syndrome, believe it or not.

Mm-hmm. 

So 

yeah, we can not be perfect and still mentor someone. And in an instant, like you said, it doesn't take a whole big, long relationship. I didn't think about like that. I really didn't think of it. And you even mentioned that a mentor, maybe you don't have contact with them, but there's somebody that you admire.

Did I, did I read that right? 

They could be somebody, you know, we put in the introduction. A mentor could be somebody that you're looking at from a distance. Um, it mentors can occur in books. I have what I call book mentors there, and you know, they're leading the life that I want to lead or I'm reminded that I want to leave.

And so you may not even know that going through the grocery store and how you treat the clerk could be a mentor moment for somebody that was going to be short. Not looking at 'em, not saying hi, thank you. It it happens all the time. And hopefully, and we're hearing this from people that are reading the book, they're all kind of having the same realization going, oh, I, I didn't even really regard that as a mentor moment.

That was a mentor conversation and it was a life changing conversation. So there's some light bulbs going on with, uh, some of our readers, which is fun to hear about. 

That's a, a great way to look at it because it is intimidating, I think, to say, oh, how would I be a mentor? What, how would I frame this, set it up, what's expected?

So that is not nearly as daunting. It just shows that we can all make a difference in, in a moment. And you're so, you're, you're right. The, the person working the check stand, if you're lucky enough to get a person and not a C scan, like, I'm paying for my groceries and now I'm doing the work. 

But I know it's like, okay, and you gotta pay attention.

Am I playing with a card? Uh, yeah, you're right. So that's a good point. Maybe that wasn't the greatest example. No, it is a good 

example because even in the ucan, uh, being a little bit uncoordinated as I am, I often, it's like, you know, attendant on the way, attendant on the way. Right? And I do wanna treat those people really kindly.

And of course, what you send out comes back to you, and you're a great example Absolutely. Of that. Mm-hmm. It's not just for making the world better, it's, it's for making you better. And so I, I really, really enjoyed that perspective. And you, as you said, it's kind of a light bulb moment. I think people don't look at that, um, in the same way.

Um, what about being a mentor yourself? Uh, and you're leading by example, but do you go beyond that in finding people to impact and mentor? 

Um, there's two things I do. I'm probably more intentional. It's like, you know, I think you write about what you want to do better, need to do better. And so like with my previous books, I needed to improve my emotional intelligence.

So guess what? Wrote a couple books about it. And so what I'm finding in writing this book, I've become more intentional. So for example, um, I work with, uh, CU Denver and they have a program called Empowering Women in Business. So I've been their guest speaker for probably three years now. Well, this year.

Guess what? I raised my hand and said I'll be a mentor. So I am mentoring a first generation student and she's terrific. I mean, she comes to the, uh, the mentor session. She's got her questions, and then really all I do is provide her what I've known over the years. And then she comes back and applies the advice and she has more.

And in fact, what was interesting to me is, uh, at our last session, and this isn't confidential, so I, I would not share anything that would. Be such. But she said, have you ever taken a big risk in your life? I said, yeah, I moved to Denver, Colorado, didn't have a job. I didn't know anybody, but I'm gonna get into sales training and speaking.

And she, her eyes went like this, but see, looking at it, because now I have a, you know, a good business and lots of stability. And so we had a conversation about what that took. And then the downside of doing that, I, you know, it, it worked out. But there was, there was a first couple years where I was like, what have I done?

Right. And that was after being a VP of sales, so. Mm-hmm. 

I like what you said, raise your hand. I told you I want specific things that you listening can do. Mm-hmm. And think about that. Who can you, you know, where can you raise your hand? Maybe even where, who can you raise your hand to? I told you mm-hmm.

That 

I have a client and one of the, uh, employees. Her name's Kinzie and I love her. She started as an intern during COVID. Mm-hmm. And she's really young and she was just a sponge. Yes. She loved the information we clicked. Uh, I, I felt like I had things to offer her, and as I mentioned, I learned just as much from her.

So I think that is, again, it's not just a one-way thing, it's a two-way thing that can benefit you, you know, both ways. Mm-hmm. And it does relate to eq, so I don't know if you wanna mm-hmm. Segue into that or you had something else. 

Well, I was just gonna say, as the mentee, don't get discouraged. If you ask someone and they say No, and don't do one of these, okay.

I knew that wasn't gonna work out. It wasn't gonna work. This is where, okay. Have the belief that at this point in your life, this person wasn't. Supposed to be your mentor. However, keep asking because you know, if you are a sponge and you, you soak up information and then you apply it, I'm gonna tell you, somebody like me will give you all the time you need.

Now, if I encounter someone that turns into be a yeah, but mentee, um, even though I have pretty high empathy, it starts plummeting because I'm not a real excuse person. I'm not a yeah but person. So I would encourage people don't, if you get rejected the first time, just move on to the next one. There are plenty of people out there that, that are generous.

They're just simply not being asked. 

That's something you said in the book, and I actually wrote a note on that, one of your little mini chapters. I don't know, I don't remember who it was from, but you just ask. It's kind of like the, that was from one of our 

contributors. Mm-hmm. Yeah. 

It's like sales, which you are an expert in too.

And a lot of times we forget to just ask and say, you know, yeah. Is this gonna work for you? Should I go ahead and write this up? It worked on a lot of different things. Um, just ask, so, uh, I do wanna kind of talk about eq. Yeah. Let's emotional. Mm-hmm. Um, eq, what's the q? Emotional? 

It's called emotional quotient.

And I think if you get real technical, emotional intelligence are maybe all the skills. The emotional quotient is the composite of those. And over the years, they're, they're frankly used interchangeably, EQ and ei. And so for the listening audience. Don't get too worried about it, just put it under the big umbrella of emotional intelligence.

Mm-hmm. So funny that I said it. I didn't think I was gonna get stuck 'cause I know it's emotional inte. Oh, people do. And I thought, wait, what's the cue? So thank you for clearing that up. So how does empathy, uh, that you need in sales? We talked about you also have the danger of not being assertive, but how does that relate to the mentorship?

So when you take a look at empathy, and most people know the definition, and I get a little worried that it's almost become cliche. You know, empathy is walking a mile in somebody else's shoes. Empathy is, and caring about what somebody else is thinking or feeling. And what I always caution people on is.

That's not enough. Empathy is a thinking skill before it's a verbal skill. So that ties into emotional self-awareness because if you're not carving out quiet time in the morning to really reflect on, Hey, something landed on me yesterday that didn't land quite right, why? You have some empathy for yourself, but you spot the emotion, which allows you then to spot it in other people easier.

And so empathy as it relates to mentorship, is it, you've gotta be aware, like maybe that person is having imposter syndrome. Uh kay. You and I both worked in male dominated businesses. I. I have never worried about working in male dominated businesses. I, I grew up surrounded by four brothers, so I have never viewed myself as a woman in business.

I just view myself as a business person now where I have to have empathy. Not everyone had that background. Not everybody has that background informing them. So I could go really judgemental quickly when somebody's like, well, you know, I walk in a room with guys and I'm like, yeah. And so that would be where I have to bring my empathy because.

I probably play as well there. Like I said, when you're surrounded by four brothers, it's either keep up or get left behind and so that, that would be a place there. And I think you were also talking about assertiveness. Katie, did you have something you wanted to hook onto that? Yeah, 

so so empathy, I just wanna comment about being the only woman maybe in the room and sometimes that works out great.

I've had guests that say they have had to really claim their spot at the table, but a lot of times, one thing that I just have really appreciated through this podcast is that men want to include us. It's, a lot of it is just they don't know how. So let's not put that on them and think that we know how they feel.

So I, I think. You have a great perspective on that and yes, empathy, especially since we are also sales. Everything to me is sales. I'm sure to you two. Mm-hmm. We're selling ourselves. Um, but sometimes that empathy is a soft skill. I think it keeps us from getting it done and being assertive. So how do you see that?

Well, what could happen is if you, um, are a person that has a lot of empathy, there might be a point where you feel sorry for people. And so at that point, you're going to discount your product or service, or even though you absolutely know. You. You need this product or service, or you're out of business and I'm gonna go extreme there.

Well, if you've got so much empathy, you kind of won't say that, or you'll sugar coat it. And I remember an early mentor sharing something with me and he said, clean your responsibility. If you're meeting with a prospect and you see this train coming down the track and it's going to get derailed, it is your responsibility to let that prospect know.

Now, if they decide not to, you can at least live with the fact that you brought up that. That issue. And so I think bringing up that issue is tuning into how it could land on them. And so there's a languaging around that because, you know, if somebody's in denial or they're a little embarrassed, I mean, I've been with prospects than I have more sophistication around sales than they do.

Well, I have to have a lot of empathy for that because they are working really hard and trying to make their business run and they have no clue how to hire salespeople, put together sales plans. And so if I come in, like, and I, I've done this, I literally didn't get a, um, piece of business because I knew I came in Miss Susie smart stuff and I wasn't reading the room.

And I finally did read the room and then, Kay, what I said is, I go, let me let, let's stop here. I said, oops, right now I just hit my keyboard. I hope that didn't show up on your screen. I don't see it. So 

we're, 

uh, but I said, right now you're probably looking at me. Thinking, I don't even know the questions to ask to know if you're any good.

That's empathy. See what was going on in this gentleman's mind that's trying to grow a company from 10 million to 50. He didn't even know the questions to ask because, but I'm coming in. Oh, here's what you need to do. Here's the structure, da da, da, da. So because I lacked empathy, I put him probably into a little bit of an embarrassment state fight or flight state, or just paralyzed state.

And that was a good lesson for me. 

Definitely relates to the eq. Yeah. Meet your customer where they are and mm-hmm. We are the experts. And you know, if someone says, oh, I already learned all that on the internet, it drives me crazy. We are the experts, but we want to relate to our customers on a human level and mm-hmm.

Make them feel good. And that is a lot. That transfers to the mentorship too. 

It, it does. So if you've got somebody that's, you know, coming in and you've already, and at this point you know, you have, um, you have a lot more wisdom. You can call us. Uh, you can call us elders, you can call us sages. And what we have to remember is that I think somebody coined a beginner's mind.

What's it like to be at their state, at their stage, at their age? And so again, it's applying empathy. Hey, I can understand that. However, that's where assertiveness comes in. And then after you've had a conversation, then you can assert and say, here's what I really think the path is for you. And so what's important about the combination of those two is when people feel heard, they can hear you.

But if they do not feel heard, they cannot hear any piece of advice you're giving. And as a high driver, I have been guilty and still, still do it, I'll jump into solutions and advice mode. Instead of demonstrating, you know what, that's gotta be really hard right now, and I can see where that's confusing or why you're feeling that way, and you know, whatever the language is.

So it's empathy first advice second, empathy first, assertiveness second. And those are usually pretty good in most situations. 

And I think we both, uh, I'm gonna generalize with you. I like to talk and salespeople often talk too much. So what you just talked about, it reminds me of the saying that people wanna be understood before they want to understand that's, that's, yeah.

What you said, so. Mm-hmm. Yes. We need to listen to people. People want that. And I think maybe even more so in our age of technology and, and all of the things that are going on, uh, let's talk a little bit about branding. You were kind enough to read my book. 

Mm-hmm. Uh, 

UNC Copyable, you, I also co-authored with somebody I can't remember.

Oh, yes, my husband's Steve Miller and 

that guy, 

you know, you are, you, you're a woman of faith, and you don't hide that. You don't beat our, you know, beat it over our heads. But that's very important to you and that makes you authentic. That tells you something about you that not only those are your beliefs, but you're okay sharing that.

Mm-hmm. 

That might drive somebody away. You know, you're not for everybody, but you want it really, really for somebody. So, you know, that is part of your brand. Mm-hmm. So tell me about how you feel about that. 

Well, you know, here's, uh, coming from a faith-based, um, you know, I was fortunate when I was a child.

I went to Catholic school first through eighth grade, and I had great nuns. So when everybody else is complaining, I, I had terrific nuns that were, that also served as mentors to me. And so I would say what it does for me is that when I can feel myself. Going into self-doubt or wondering, oh, what's gonna be the outcome of this?

Then I turn back to faith and just know the outcome is gonna be the right outcome. The answer will come when it's supposed to. Now I still do the work I need to. This isn't just sitting back and going, okay, okay, let, uh, let uh, God or whoever you believe in, take care of it. Take the 

Jesus, take the wheel.

Yeah. You also gotta hold onto it too. You know, it's a, it's 

a parallel track for me. So what that does for me, um, it decreases a lot of stress. And, uh, that's what I believe faith as much as anything. It also, on the days that I fail and I fall from Grace, uh, you know, it makes me go back and say, not because I wrote books on eq.

You know what? This isn't the type of person you were designed to be. You, you're designed to do better and so, you know. Most of what we need to do is watch what comes out of our mouth because the mouth reflects your heart. So there's days I have to sit there and go, seriously, when you really, you said that yesterday or you thought that.

So that's what it does for me. It, it keeps me aligned to the person I wanna be. 

And we are always so hard on ourselves. I do believe it's even more so for women, although it's definitely, it still applies to men, but mm-hmm. Yeah. I do think we as women have some extra challenges. Not everybody agrees with that, but, um, we are hard on ourselves.

And when you say something, I do think it's fascinating that we listen more than anyone else. We're listening to what we say, we're listening to our words. 

Mm-hmm. 

I've had women on the show that say, you know, I was just born a sunny personality and I'm jealous because I have to work at that. And things like what you say and how you listen as much as others.

That's a, yeah, that's a really good point. Um, mm-hmm. So what if someone is listening, we're gonna talk branding, so I'm gonna give you a little time to think. Yeah. Um, your brand is really, it has to be intentional to be authentic and then you have to be able to communicate it Of course. So, uh, how would you talk to someone about how they could determine what their brand is?

And feel free to use the information in my book. 

Well, you know, the one thing that struck me and I wrote it down was that, and I actually, it took me back 'cause I wasn't expecting it. You know, your brand could be where people remember you for being generous. Um, uh, unselfish, right? Giving. And so the reason that struck me as we were getting ready for our conversation today, I thought, well, that could be a mentor brand, right?

Um, so you take a look at it, and I think if you take that to sales, kay, if you are the person that always shows up at an appointment, whether it's with a prospect or customer, and your goal is, I'm doing 110% here. And, um, like right now, they, I, I don't teach sales training anymore. I still work with sales managers in eq.

So I had a call last week and I, I had told the, this is a sales person that went through my training about 10 years ago. So I said, well, I, I don't do training, but I'm happy to get on the call and see what you need. And so I'm gonna tell you I was giving 'em a lot of free consulting around sales training.

And guess what? They're probably going to do something around emotional intelligence training for their team. It didn't matter to me. I knew that they were having some challenges. And if I've got the information and then the more I can gather, I can refer them to the right resource at this point. So I, I think if you always show up at that little, I'm gonna do it 110% here, um, you're gonna be just fine.

When I hear of quiet quitting, I have to tell you, I just wanna put my nails on a, a chalkboard. I'm like, seriously quit. You know? Don't go quietly quit and go someplace that you're happy. Now there, did you see lack of empathy there? 

Yes, I know. But you're right. Don't phone it in and just hang on to something.

It doesn't help you, it doesn't help them. Um, you do have an incredible network, so I want to mention that. You know, a lot of people, I just, I, I like the saying it doesn't. Count how much, who you know really as much as who knows you, and a lot of people, including my husband. Yeah, I know her. Um, so, uh, I, I really like a couple points and then I'll ask you to, to maybe close this up with getting back to the mentorship, which is the book that you wrote, which again, is right here.

And it's the mentor who mattered. I like that, uh, that way you phrase it because I think it, it tells me that you're looking back on your life, you're accomplishing something and you're think thinking about, like you said, maybe a teacher that you had in grade school. Yeah. You, that person mattered. And we all wanna leave our thumbprint, our, you know, our Yeah.

Impact on the world. 

Absolutely. 

Uh, you talked about what you could do. Raise your hand. Raise your hand and say, I'm willing to be a mentor. Uh, ask someone if they will be your mentor, 

just mm-hmm. Like 

in sales. Uh, and then remember, you can be a mini mentor wherever you go. Yes. Um, yes. Kathy Lee, giver. I used to watch Reed Kathy Lee before.

That's the only time I watched it. My daughter's little Uhhuh. She's a room where you're planted. Sounds so corny. Yes, but it's so true. You can make such a difference. And we all know that you, you meet someone who goes the extra mile and doesn't, so, so let's talk about, just as we close this up, what advice would you give someone who wants to be a better mentor?

Mentee? 

Here's, uh, the first piece of advice. Look up. I am telling you we are a look down society and we're. We're always on phones. Uh, in the book I talk about, I go on a little bit of a rant where if you go into company meetings, and let's say they're in person or even on Zoom, but let's use in person to create the picture.

So everybody comes in today and they've got their computers and they, they put their phone there, so it's like a commanding control center, right? And then, you know, you've got colleagues sitting next to you and you are sitting there shooting off the last email. And even during meetings, they're sending emails.

And what's fascinating to me, Kay, is that. We keep talking about employees aren't engaged. Um, the importance of having a best friend at work, well, guess what? The way you get a best friend at work, you actually talk to the people you work with. So I think you've gotta look up and as leaders, they've gotta start setting better expectations because when you look up, you can see a colleague maybe in a meeting in the airport, you can see somebody that's lost.

I look for that all the time. Um, I don't travel overseas a whole lot, but when I have, I am grateful for somebody that answers my question. And so I look up a lot even in the airport, like, who, who's lost, who could use some help and, and such. So the first one I'd say is, look up. The second is, you are qualified.

Everybody has something to give. And the third is you have time. And even if you're somebody that's in that sandwich generation, you got aging parents, you got, you're raising kids, you have 30 minutes a month. Think of that just 30 minutes a month to devote to somebody. And that might mean eliminating 30 minutes on your social media or 30 minutes here, or it means calling somebody and offering advice or inviting them on a hike.

But we've all got the time. 

Those, that, those are great pieces of advice. I know that everyone listening will, uh, be better for this interview. And I do encourage you to get this book. It we're recording in November and this came out in November, right? Or, or, yes. Yeah. Yes. Be the mentor who mattered. 

Yeah. We we're officially launching.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. 

Be the mentor who mattered, uh, by Colleen Stanley and Leanne Teman picked that up. And it's, it's really a great book. It's a lot of fun too. 

Oh, thank you. Appreciate it. So Colleen, 

uh, I really appreciate you being here, and I, yeah, thank you. Just wanna say thank you so much for being on the podcast.

And I love it. What is, what's your, your handle is muffler Mama. I loved 

that. Muffler Mama. And Right. And I wore steel toe boots back in those days and I said, walk, walk a mile in your customer steel toe boots. 

Oh, I might have to, I might have to ask you if I can take that one. 

Yes, you're welcome to it. So anyway, Colleen, uh, thank you again so much.

Thank you, Kate.

Okay, great.